Imus: crazy like a fox?

Let's play pretend for a minute.

Pretend you're a 66-year-old shock jock whose ratings have tanked in the past couple of years, who is ranked as only the 14th-most-important radio talker, and who hasn't generated any national buzz in, well, forever.

Pretend that your zeppelin-sized ego can't take not being noticed.

Pretend you're so rich that getting suspended for a couple of weeks won't put a dent in your bank account.

Wouldn't you think it might be savvy to spout off something racist and stupid, hoping you would start a national firestorm, get your name back in the news, and have millions of listeners tuning in to see what fool thing you might say next?

Let's put it this way: Two weeks ago, were you even sure Don Imus was still alive?

We're all sure now.

I'm not saying he thought all this out in advance. I'm just saying he's not exactly broken up at how it's turning out.

So what do YOU think would be the proper punishment? If any? Let your imagination run wild below.

A day at the opera

On Saturday we went all highbrow and took in the live broadcast of the Metropolitan Opera at the Regal Stonecrest movie theater. That day's offering was "The Barber of Seville," which was perfect for me -- I already knew the music from one of the greatest short films in history.

As a guy who watches way too much sports (especially during the NCAA tournament), I could not recommend the opera more highly. It's ESPN Classic with violins.

The opera itself is the musical version of the NBA slam dunk contest. One insanely talented star takes a solo, then there's some shuffling around, then another insanely talented star tries to top it. The plot is just there to mark time between the solos. I kept expecting the screen to show judges' scores after every aria -- "Well, the soprano gets a 9.5 for expression, but only an 8 for technical skill..."

They even do the intermission like a halftime show -- previews of upcoming shows, backstage interviews with the stars. (The opera is set in Spain, sung in Italian, and the guy who played Figaro was from Sweden. It's a small world.)

But my main overall impression was this: Outsized characters, big conflicts, tight-fitting costumes and lots of yelling.

Now it all makes sense.

Opera is the high-class version of professional wrestling.

Too bad Ric Flair can't sing. Then again, I doubt Pavarotti could get out of the figure-four leglock.

One last thing: I counted at least seven times when cell phones went off in the theater. If we'd actually been at the Met, I suspect ushers would have calmly removed the offenders from the audience and quietly thrown them down the back stairs.

But can that many people be that forgetful? And if you're not a doctor, or if your daughter is not on a date at that very moment with a member of a biker gang, is there any reason to keep your cell phone on in the theater? I had no idea there were so many important people in this town.

A thought on John Edwards

John and Elizabeth Edwards are the most fascinating couple in politics, even more than Bill and Hillary.

John has all the current qualifications to be president -- good hair and charisma and XY chromosomes. That doesn't mean he's not a sharp guy. He is. But every time I see them together, Elizabeth comes off as smarter and funnier and more genuine.

In a better world, we'd be sad about Elizabeth Edwards' cancer because we might be losing a great candidate for president.

If I were a James Carville type, I might've told John to suspend the campaign -- partly to be with his wife, partly because he would get a HUGE wave of sympathy. Then he could ride that goodwill back into the race next summer. Campaigns start way too early anyway. Voters are tired of everybody by the end. A fresh face coming in late might steal the whole thing.

I'm sure John Edwards' campaign people at least thought about that. So in some ways, continuing the campaign seems more real to me, less calculated.

I know that sounds weird.

Politics are weird.

I guess the real question is this: what would John Edwards have done if this was 20 years ago, and he was just an ambitious young lawyer?

Are all your decisions different if you're running for president?

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

Thursday and Friday. The first round of the NCAA basketball tournament. The two best sports days of the year.

Not only that, it's 80 degrees outside. OK, I'm making the call, these are the two best DAYS of the year. Christmas and Thanksgiving have always been seeded too high.

I have three rules for brackets:

1. One bracket only. I hate to check the standings in a (non-gambling, for amusement purposes only) NCAA pool and find out I'm behind Joe Shmoe #5. Either you believe in your picks or you don't. Only weenies minimize their risk. This is not a mutual fund.

2. Pick some upsets. If you don't have at least three crazy picks in your Sweet 16, you're the type of person who reads the end of the book first.

3. Swoon for the hometown underdog. It's OK if it's the town you USED to be from -- just as long as it's a team that has no right to win the games you're giving them. As Calvin Trillin once said, if you don't think your hometown hamburger joint is the best in the world, you're a sissy.

On to the picks.

First round:
UNC over E. Kentucky, Michigan State over Marquette, Arkansas over USC, Texas over New Mexico St., Vanderbilt over George Washington, Oral Roberts over Washington State, Boston College over Texas Tech, Georgetown over Belmont.

Ohio State over Central Connecticut, Xavier over BYU, Long Beach St. over Tennessee, Virginia over Albany, Louisville over Stanford, Texas A&M over Penn, Nevada over Creighton, Memphis over North Texas.

Kansas over Niagra, Villanova over Kentucky, Virginia Tech over Illinois, S. Illinois over Holy Cross, Duke over VCU, Pitt over Wright State, Gonzaga over Indiana, UCLA over Weber St.

Florida over Jackson St., Arizona over Purdue, Butler over Old Dominion, Davidson over Maryland (homer pick #1), Winthrop over Notre Dame (homer pick #2), Oregon over Miami of Ohio, Georgia Tech over UNLV, Wisconsin over A&M-Corpus Christi.

Second round:
UNC over Michigan State, Texas over Arkansas, Vandy over Oral Roberts, Georgetown over BC.

Ohio State over Xavier, Long Beach State over Virginia, Texas A&M over Louisville, Nevada over Memphis.

Kansas over Villanova, VA Tech over S. Illinois, Pitt over Duke, UCLA over Gonzaga.

Florida over Arizona, Butler over Davidson, Winthrop over Oregon (I know, SUCH a homer), Wisconsin over GA Tech.

(That's two crazy picks -- Winthrop and Long Beach -- and two semi-crazy picks -- Vandy and Nevada -- in the Sweet 16.)

Sweet 16: UNC over Texas (best game of the tournament), Georgetown over Vandy, Ohio State over Long Beach, Texas A&M over Nevada.

Kansas over VA Tech, UCLA over Pitt, Florida over Butler, Wisconsin over Winthrop in double OT.

Elite Eight: UNC over Georgetown, Texas A&M over Ohio State, Kansas over UCLA, Florida over Wisconsin.

Final Four: Texas A&M over UNC (sorry, Heels), Kansas over Florida.

Title game: Kansas over A&M, 76-68.

Feel free to ridicule.

Your craziest airport story?

It's important, in journalism, to make your biases clear when you're doing a story. So in the interest of full disclosure: I hate flying.

I'm not scared of flying. I just hate everything about the experience: riding the shuttle bus, undressing at the security checkpoint, waiting at the gate, squeezing into the seats, getting that pressurized-air headache, bobbing through turbulence, sprinting to make the connection, dragging my weary butt through the concourse on the way to the rental car.

My wife and I flew last week, out to Kansas City and back. Everything went fine. If the trip had been a few days later, and we had ended up waiting five freaking hours at the kiosk, it's possible I would be on the 10 Most Wanted list by now.

Two things I noticed on the trip:

-- The sports bar in the A concourse at the Charlotte airport has six clocks out front, showing the time in different time zones. As of last Wednesday, five of the six clocks were wrong.

-- There's a display in the Kansas City airport showing items you can't bring on the plane. One of the items is a chain saw. Now, I know some people don't keep up with the latest federal regulations, but is there somebody out there who needs to be told it's not OK to bring a CHAIN SAW on the plane?

I'm trying to imagine some guy at the ticket counter, calling back home: "You won't believe this, Myrtle. They won't let me bring the dang Poulan on board. It's like we're not in America anymore."

So what's your most infuriating airport story? Vent away below.

The Friday Five

Five things that made life a little better this week:

1. "Sex Devil" by Jack Pendarvis. The funniest short story I've read in years (despite the title, it's PG-rated). Plus this version comes with hidden tracks! (Don't click on them until you've read the whole story.)

2. This story about an unfortunate turtle from the St. Petersburg Times. The only thing this week that made me laugh more than "Sex Devil."

3. This story from the New Yorker about the creators of "24" and how some military interrogators seem to think it's a reality show. My wife and I are both hooked on "24" -- it's the only show we both love -- but we almost gave it up a couple weeks ago when one of the bad guys tortured a good guy (poor Morris) with a power drill. Supposedly they're tapering off on the torture scenes for the rest of the season. They better.

4. A shameless plug: My buddy Joe Posnanski (who grew up here and went to UNCC) has written a wonderful book, "The Soul of Baseball," an account of his travels with Negro Leaguer Buck O' Neil. It comes out on Tuesday but you can order online now. Trust me, it's great.

5. The wonder that is the Morristache. Bow down in awe. And there's a T-shirt!

Dove season

This is our new pet, although we didn't adopt her -- she (we're assuming it's a she) adopted us. She set up shop last week on top of one of the corner posts on our front porch. It's not a big perch and she's jammed in there a little bit -- that's her tail sticking up there in the corner.

I believe this is your basic mourning dove -- we've been hearing that distinctive HOO, hoo-hoo, hoo call every morning. The nest is about 10 feet from our front door, and nothing seems to rattle her -- she watches us, the dog, and passers-by with the same placid expression. (Although she did blink a couple of times when I took this picture.)

So any tips on what we should expect here? Anything we should do? How long before we see a baby dove or two?

The one thing I'm noticing as I look at this photo is how smooth her head is. I think we're gonna call her Britney.

The Friday Five

Five things that made life more interesting this week:

1. Web 2.0 in less than five minutes. This is like watching one of those evolution-of-man videos -- fascinating and a little scary. Plus it's a good reminder of how fast technology is moving. Five years from now, this'll probably be a relic.

2. UNC beats Duke. I've got no dog in this fight so I just root for a great game, and this one delivered. Now that football's over it's time to start developing a sports crush on some teams and players in preparation for March Madness. Right now my favorite is the Tar Heels' Ty Lawson. At the end of the game, he was the best player on the floor.

3. Van Morrison does "Comfortably Numb." This is apparently from a Pink Floyd performance of "The Wall" from Berlin in 1990; it turned up again last year on the soundtrack to the movie "The Departed." I've never been much of a Floyd fan but this is just astounding.

4. Jack's evil dad on "24." How could the gentle farmer from "Babe" turn into an arms dealer who killed his own son (not Jack, the other one) at the end of the last episode? Hollywood magic.

5. "Love is a Mix Tape" by Rob Sheffield. Shy indie boy marries loud punk-rock girl, girl dies, boy mourns -- and, eventually, gets his life back -- through the tapes they made. Will make you want to dig out your old cassettes.

He's Prince, and I'm old

I'm a big football fan but the best part of the Super Bowl was Prince rocking the halftime show.

In 20 minutes he touched on a bunch of his hits, covered snippets of "Proud Mary," "All Along the Watchtower" and the Foo Fighters' "The Best of You," and unfurled a big white curtain that turned his guitar into a giant phallic symbol. (Take that, Janet Jackson.)

But then I started thinking about it. The first Prince show I saw was in 1986. Children conceived that night (and I'm guessing there were a few) are halfway through college now.

And then I realized that Prince is officially an oldies act, or they wouldn't have put him on the Super Bowl halftime show. (Billy Joel did the national anthem, and I'm proud to report he left the field without his walker.)

And THEN I remembered reading that Prince has jumped around on stage so much that he might need... a hip replacement.

Good Lord.

Anybody else have a moment like that lately? Write in and make me feel better. Until then I need some warm milk and a nap.

The Friday Five

Five things that moved me this week:

1. "About Alice," Calvin Trillin. A spare, sweet, funny book about Trillin's late wife. You can read it in an afternoon. The last line is still ringing in my head.

2. "David and Mamet," directed by Alex Rose. Everything you need to know about Mamet's rat-a-tat style -- in 91 seconds. "Glengarry Glen Ross" minus the steak knives and F-words.

3. "The Randall Knife," Guy Clark (on the CD "Dublin Blues"). Last week we saw the best concert I've been to in awhile -- Lyle Lovett, John Hiatt, Joe Ely and Guy Clark at Ovens. It was in the guitar-pull format, where they took turns playing and came together for a couple songs at the end. Clark didn't play "Randall Knife," but the show made me go back home and listen. One of the finest songs ever about what bonds a father and son.

4. Bill Dance bloopers. We watched so many fishing shows growing up that I don't know how I missed this. If you value expensive fishing rods, prepare to wince.

5. Molly Ivins. Raise a glass to one of the funniest, hell-raisingest columnists there ever was.

A YouTube moment

I'm always looking for strange little moments of beauty and grace in the world, and some days the best place to find them is YouTube.

Here, a musician from Wilmington plays Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" at an assisted-living center while people walk around in the background. Something about this reminds me of a David Lynch movie.



I'm sure a lot of y'all have plumbed the depths of YouTube more than I have. What's the best stuff out there with a Carolinas connection? Send me the links and I'll post one here every so often.

Coldest you've ever been?

Well, THAT was a nippy little jaunt to get the paper out of the front yard at 6 this morning. It got down to 18 in Charlotte and 16 in a couple other towns in the area.

I'm a Southern boy -- we played softball Christmas Day one year -- so I don't have that much experience with really cold days. But I do remember one.

Ten years ago I was headed to Chicago for a story and I stopped somewhere in Indiana farm country to get gas. The next day, in Chicago, the wind chill would be 18 below. This night was something like that.

But I thought: I'm just gonna be out of the car for five minutes. No need for a hat or gloves or anything.

Why yes, I am a moron.

In that five minutes my eyeballs almost iced over and my ears almost fell off and my hand just about stuck to the gas nozzle.

It took a while for me to get warm again. Like, April.

So: What's the coldest you've ever been? Add your deep-freeze stories below. I fully expect to hear from the Minnesotans in the house. Try not to start every post with "That was nothing..."

Post-Thanksgiving thanks

Some things about Thanksgiving you can appreciate in advance -- getting together with family, leftover turkey on the weekend, whispering about what to get the spouse/parents/in-laws for Christmas.

But some years the best parts are the ones you didn't expect to appreciate.

This year I'm thankful to my wife's parents for never turning on the TV all weekend, because it spared me from the Panthers game.

I'm thankful for having to get up early Saturday morning to let the dog out, because that meant we got to see the deer in the woods. This was without a doubt the greatest event in our dog's life that did not involve treats. He is on point now even when he's asleep.

I'm thankful for the traffic jam outside of Asheville, because it got us on the back roads and off the interstate. It turns out that downtown Canton is sort of lovely.

I was thankful for old copies of the New Yorker, little kids showing off their new bikes, sandhill cranes chattering on their yearly trip south, and the good sandwiches at the only restaurant open weekends in downtown Dayton, Tennessee.

And of course I'm thankful for all of you who have already responded to Project Joy, my drive to provide Christmas gifts for Mecklenburg County's foster kids. If you're interested, more details here.

Thanks for thinking of us.

Clarifying Panthers story

My column today was about a group of Iraq-war vets who were treated to a tour of the Carolina Panthers' operations at Bank of America Stadium. Along the way they met some players. In the column, I wrote this:

The Panthers had the day off but four players showed up -- safety Mike Minter, defensive end Mike Rucker, fullback Brad Hoover and linebacker Chris Draft.


A few readers took that to mean that the other players blew off the event. Not the case. The fault was mine, for a badly worded sentence.

I called the Panthers' offices to double-check. Riley Fields, the team's director of community relations, confirmed what I had guessed -- most of the team didn't even know about the event.

The staff asked only a few players to come -- mainly, players who had helped with other military-themed events. Fields said the team didn't want a big crowd because the tour was intended to be intimate.

My apologies for not writing that better. Now back to our regularly scheduled discussion of the Dallas game...

Tats for tots

If you're thinking about a Christmas gift for the young'uns on your list, you can stop looking now:

The Gr8 TaT2 Maker

And note the recommended age bracket: 6 to 12 years. A guaranteed hit at those first-grade birthday parties!

Boys, remember: The tribal tattoo around the bicep is so five years ago. Like, when you were in diapers.

And girls, don't get a tattoo with your boyfriend's name. Kindergarten romances almost never last.

Never seen THAT on a truck before

Thursday night, driving down Sharon Amity Road, a pickup truck passes on the left. I glance over -- then do a bug-eyed double-take.

There was a guillotine in the back.

A guillotine.

Call 911! Get the license plate! Run him off the --

Oh. Right. It's almost Halloween.

At least I hope that's what it was about.

The whole thing made me think of this record, which scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. I can still hear the creaks of "The Unsafe Bridge."

What Halloween stuff used to give you the creeps? What still does? Add chilling, thrilling memories below.

The church of Snoop Dogg

I love it when churches try to be hip. Last night I saw this sign in front of New Hope Missionary Baptist on Hawthorne Lane:

BRING YOUR SINS TO THE ALTAR AND DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT

The song reference is a couple years out of date, but it's still pretty cool to use a pot-smoking ex-gangster as the path to spiritual enlightenment.

Add your favorite church signs below. And this is also a little out of date, but if you've never run across the Church Sign Generator, prepare to enjoy yourself.

Looking for Pavilion memories

I'm headed to the Myrtle Beach Pavilion this weekend -- Saturday is the last day it'll be open before it shuts down for good.

For those of y'all new to these parts, the Pavilion is an amusement park that was the main attraction in the old days of Myrtle Beach. I've talked to Charlotteans who used to get up early on a Saturday, drive down to the beach, spend all day at the Pavilion and get back home as the sun came up on Sunday.

So is anybody heading down there for the going-away party? And does anybody have a story about the Pavilion? Reminisce below.

A city full of questions

On Wednesday I asked readers to come up with the most important question facing the Charlotte area right now.

I picked the ones I liked best for my column on Friday. (You can find that Friday in the paper or at charlotte.com/news.)

But I got more good questions than I had space in the paper. Here are the rest of the questions that came in. They're listed basically in order of when I got the e-mail or phone call. I edited a couple for clarity. In a few cases, people added comments; for the purpose of this post I stuck to the questions.

Here we go.

When will the parents of CMS students take full responsibility for their child's behavior and academic achievement?
-- Frank Leister

When will we realize it is more important what we give to rather than receive from religion, our families, our friends, our jobs, sports... life?
-- Alex Coffin

Why does Charlotte continue promoting and spending taxpayers' money on projects that have failed in other cities?
-- Sara Webb

How can we protect our watershed property so that we'll have good water to drink?
How can we manage our resources better to provide for schools where they are needed?
Is there a way to set up fees for developers so that the schools will be in place when the population explodes?
-- Nancy Blythe

Will Charlotte implement a growth management strategy that paces growth concurrently with the infrastructure components (roads, schools, parks) that are necessary to accommodate our new growth?
Will we preserve the quality of life for our existing residents and for the residents that have not yet moved here?
Do we want to just grow or will we grow in a quality fashion with neighborhoods that will stand the test of time?
What is Charlotte going to do to create great neighborhoods that will stand the test of time unlike most of the cookie-cutter, tree-less, shoe-boxes that are being built by the thousands throughout most of Charlotte?
Other communities are taking a more proactive approach on addressing these issues, isn't it about time that we do the same before it is too late?
-- DanoPlan

Does honesty matter?
-- Fern Shubert

Who are we now?
-- Nancy Holt

How about the complete disregard from the powers that be here (council/school board/commisioners/mayors office/law enforcement) to listen to what the people want, instead bulling through whatever they "think" is best for the city?
-- Terry Roberts

Am I my brother’s keeper? (Genesis 4:9)
Who is my neighbor? (Luke 10:29)
-- The Rev. Nancy Allison
(full disclosure: Nancy is pastor at Holy Covenant United Church of Christ, where my wife and I are members. -- Tommy)

What city do you want for your children? For everyone’s children?
Is having a soul important? If yes, what’s the state of ours?
Should money determine your civic worth? Can we expand the definition of good citizen?
Who can afford to live here? What happens when those who can’t leave?
What is the real value of diversity and education and what are we willing to do to succeed at both?
-- Tressie Cottom

What does it mean to say: "I am a follower of Jesus"?
What does the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution mean in declaring that two of the five purposes in establishing the Constitution are to "establish justice" and "promote the general welfare"?
-- Dave Smith

What five things will we as a community agree to do to ensure that every Mecklenburg child has the same odds we had of living a healthy, well-educated and relatively comfortable life?
-- Sjohnclt

Why do so very many commentators, when interviewing interesting guests, feel their own comments are much more important and constantly interupt and take over the answers?
-- Sandy Howie

Wouldn’t it be great for Charlotte to join the other national cities in USA that have on their own adopted the Kyoto Accord?
-- Sally Knauth

We -- and many other metro areas -- are tied in a Gordian Knot of interrelated challenges to equitable participation in our local economy and society. What specific additional investment of public and private dollars will leverage the most effective early impacts at untying this knot, building real momentum toward stronger participation in the Charlotte economy for those now on the fringes or just left out?
-- Roger Coates

What changes do we in Charlotte need to make now so that we don't become another Atlanta?
-- Connie S.

How do we get parents -- single or married -- rich or poor -- black, white, green or yellow, to take "primary" responsibility for raising and helping educate their children?
-- Jerry Fulmer

Are we in the US, for the most part, not all illegal aliens?
If we were born rich instead of good looking, would we be where we are this morning?
-- Jim Sigmon

How can Charlotte preserve land use without completely restricting development so we can attract new business?
-- Andy Silver

How do we handle immigration, legal or illegal? Should we embrace people of all nations who want to be here and are willing to work hard for low wages, or should we dismiss everyone who is not just like us?
Are we prepared to furnish the infrastructure necessary for our growing population, or are we just going to complain about it instead of putting our money where our mouths are?
How can we control crime, starting with black on black crimes?
-- Shirley Knack

Will it take another revolution to make the "Upper-Class" realize that "Let them eat cake" ultimately will work no better for the United States today than it did for France in the past?
-- Michael Watson

Who is my brother?
-- Lamcg55

Why doesn’t the paper print more moderate viewpoints in the letters to the editor?
-- Jack Berryhill

-- Why don’t we have some toll roads to pay for our very, very much needed expansion of I-485 and I-77?
Terri Coggin

Will voters in Charlotte and Mecklenburg County continue to put people in office who take away our freedom, liberty and property rights?
When will the leaders arise who will "let Charlotte be Charlotte" rather than try to be Atlanta, Portland or Nashville?
When will a newspaper arise with an editorial staff that uses Adam Smith rather than Karl Marx to guide its editorial positions on issues?
-- Bill Reeside

How can Charlotte get huge numbers of indviduals to feel intrinsically bound to one's neighbors -- so that a tidal wave of compassion and optimism and enthusiasm is created -- such that everyone through his or her gifts/passions wants to empower other individuals to live more and more fulfilling, peaceful, productive lives, thereby creating more and more healthy schools and communities?
-- Dorrie Gibson


(This is Tommy again... Got more questions? Care to answer any of the above? Post below.)

A day on jury duty

Had to go in for jury duty the other day. They bring in maybe 100 people and put them all in a waiting room until a judge asks for a group (anywhere from a dozen to 30) for a jury pool. My name never got called. Went in at 8, got dismissed at 4:30, the check (12 bucks!) is in the mail.

Three things you might not know about Mecklenburg County jury duty:

-- They show movies! On two big-screen TVs! The day I was there featured a battling-with-mental-illness twin bill: "A Beautiful Mind" and "Radio."

-- If you're still there in the afternoon, you get free popcorn to go along with the movie.

-- If you'd rather skip the flicks, there's a quiet room where you can read, knit, doze, etc. That's where I spent most of the day.

At one point, somebody in one of the movies let out a horrifying scream that we could hear all the way in the quiet room.

There was silence for a moment. Then a guy one row behind me said: "Oh, no. They killed a juror."

Jury-duty humor. You can't beat it.

Add your tales of jury service, civic duty and long hours in waiting rooms below.